Monday, October 21, 2002

'i wanna touch the earth...i wanna break it in my hands...i wanna grow something wild and unruly....'

i'm not sure where it is that i really belong....i don't know what i should be doing with my life....and i'm not really certain who i am. not yet, anyway. but i'm getting there. and maybe someday i WILL actually get there. in the mean time, however, i have these desires, some more vague than others. i want to reach out my arms and have there be something...or someone...to grab onto. and i don't mean physically, per se....i mean that i want to be stretching past the confines of my own heart, affecting and being affected. i don't want to live inside myself forever....

i have always admired those people who catch a vision for something they could be doing, and then go off and do it, taking the steps of faith necessary to move ahead. or even people who establish goals and the specific steps they will take to accomplish them - and then do all the things necessary to bring their goals about. a case of slow and steady winning the race once again. i don't feel like i have ever really been either of those kinds of people. i'm more the sitting-back-out-of-fear-and-not-doing-what-i-really-want-to-do kind of person.

so afraid to say what i feel. so afraid to admit what i want. so afraid to be who i am. and to come right out and say that i might have deep needs that aren't being met? unthinkable. i'm such a coward - before others, myself, and God, especially.

i'm SO tired of fear and all that it brings....so sick of not taking risks, calculated or not. to live without regret: that is something i have yet to realize.

a couple of entries below, i wrote about wanting a big kitchen. okay, you know - that's true. but i'll be honest: i don't want it in a vacuum. i want it in the context of having someone to SHARE it with....and not just any old someone - THE someone. and this someone isn't just someone who thinks i'll do....he's someone who can't think of anyone else he'd rather be around than me for the rest of his life. someone who can't wait to see me when he gets home from work or wherever he's been. someone who adores me and is proud of me and thinks i'm just plain swell....but won't ever put me above God....but will put me above his other relationships - not because he HAS to, but because he WANTS to....someone whom i can be proud to be with, whom i adore, whom i think is just plain SWELL....i think you get the picture.

but all of that being said - and as much as i want that kind of relationship - there are other things that i've always wanted to do, to try, to feel, to experience....and i'm beginning to wonder if i ever will....whether i'll have opportunities or, better yet, whether i'll TAKE the opportunities i'm given. few people know this about me, but i've actually considered going to culinary school; i've always wanted to open a restaurant or even be a private chef. i WANT to learn how to play the guitar - this is something that i've longed to do since i was 10 years old. i want to learn to draw and paint. i love to redecorate and change the layout of furniture. i am excited by the thought of organizing someone's life. i adore putting together furniture from a kit. i find nothing better in all of the world than singing in close harmony in a small group of people who are all worshipping Jesus.

i hope that i don't lose sight of these things. and even someday if/when i become someone's wife, i hope that he will be vigilant over my need to not lose sight of them.... and besides, underneath it all, i just don't think that it's pleasing to God for me to pretend like the things in my heart simply aren't there. i know that my chief purpose in life is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever. and part of enjoying God is to be who i am - the woman He intended for me to be. so it's okay that i have dreams and desires and wishes and hopes. somehow i don't think God is disappointed by those things. in fact, i have a sneaking suspicion that somehow He's involved with them being there in the first place:)....

'i wanna walk and not run...i wanna skip and not fall...i wanna look at the horizon and not see a building standing tall....
i wanna be the only one for miles and miles....except for maybe you and your simple smile....
oh it sounds good to me....yes it sounds so good to me....' (dixie chicks)

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