Wednesday, October 02, 2002

coming to terms

i am not the prettiest girl, or the thinnest, or sweetest, or smartest, or funniest, or most talented. i am not the most successful with the choices that i have made. i am not confident enough to forge ahead with what some might feel are basic things. i am not always good at keeping my mouth shut. i am not as brave as i try to appear to be. i am not the person you would immediately want to take home to mom and dad, or out on a date, or to show off to your friends. i am not as good at pretending as i once thought i was. i am not happy. i am not who you think i am.

i am scared. i am broken. i am sad inside. i am hurting. i am insecure as hell. i am afraid that no one will ever want me. i am afraid - period. i am always concerned that i pour out more of myself so that no one ever finds me lacking. i am tired. i am unable to play the game. i am playing it, even still. i am wearing my mask. i am fixated on what other people think of me. i am a coward. i am brave. i am loyal to my friends. i am loving. i am weak. i am strong. i am someone who knows what it means to survive. i am a victim. i am not ashamed.

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