Monday, September 30, 2002

the keystone state

i love the feeling of falling asleep in complete darkness, that total swallowing kind of black where you can't see your hand in front of your face....i think that the lights in the city and 'burbs prevent one's brain from ever shutting down. friday night was a kind of experimentation for me - would i be able to rest well in a non-siren-blaring kind of setting?

as much as the quiet normally prevents me from falling asleep, the darkness still sucked me in and held me close until morning....and the weather saturday? simply stunning.....thank God for the occasional reminder that beauty truly is in the simple things of life.

oh, and purely as a sidenote, have i mentioned that i hate DSL?

Thursday, September 26, 2002

i don't know what the deal is with blogger these days. every single time i post something, it tells me that there's been an error, and yet my entry still winds up on the page. is anyone fixing this?

anyway, now that i have that off my chest, i can move on....

due to some events that i am not at liberty to discuss, i have been thinking a lot today about what it means for someone to be, in the true sense of the word, a man. i, for one, do not think that it does anyone any good to sit and complain about what dorks men are. and you won't see me sending around forwards delineating the 101 reasons that dogs are better than men, or any such nonsense. as a matter of fact, i am a big believer in encouraging men to be better in all ways. i am definitely one of those women who feels that men who are doing good jobs should be given the utmost respect and support from the women who know and love them. insulting them and putting them down certainly never helps - does that tactic work with anyone, really? but then, there are those bright and shining examples of why some women hate men....and sometimes those individuals really show their colors by doing something truly cruel and/or asinine. and it's in those moments that i feel sobered by what a fine line there is between punk and prince....

i will say this: real men do NOT hit. they are not prone to frequent yelling, outbursts of anger, scolding, demeaning, demoralizing speech, and/or threatening. a real man will not kick you when you're down. a real man will not kick you down. real men traffic in respect, kindness, strength, gentleness, humility, and taking responsibility for their actions. they treat women like ladies and not like men...or dogs...or punching bags....

i am blessed enough to have known some real men in my be in friendships and relationships with some of them even right this moment. but there are some women with whom i am quite close who have not had quite as easy a time of late. to those women, i say that you have my unflagging support at removing these offending posers from your life and moving ahead in whatever way you need to do so. God will protect and sustain you and is the One True Father you will ever need.

Wednesday, September 25, 2002

my nails are really short. i cut them down so that the white part is just barely visible at the edge of my fingertip. having longer nails doesn't really work for me - at least ones that i grow myself. for about 6 months, i had gel nails (done at a salon). i loved those things, but after awhile, they became cumbersome and annoying and expensive, and so just after the new year, i got them removed. i vowed that i would never go back to having them, but now that 9 months have gone by, every time i see a woman with a nice set of nails, it makes me long for the days when mine looked nice all the time.

here's the thing: i'm not a particularly frilly girl (in fact, i'm not sure i have any frill in me), but for some reason, having nails made me feel more feminine....i know that it's an artificial femininity, though, because i shouldn't need external adornment to make me feel that way. i've said it before and i'll say it again - in this post-modern, pro-"feminist" society, living as a Christian woman is an extremely confusing thing to navigate. contemporary Christian culture tells you one thing, the world tells you another, and somewhere in the fray, you're supposed to be able to hear God's voice whispering His desires for your life. sometimes it simply makes my head spin.

at the end of the day, having fake nails never solved anything for me....but for a few moments, i felt a little bit better. is that so bad? is it really any different than getting your hair done or putting on a little lipstick for color (which i know a lot of women do on a very regular basis)? i know that it is the fear of the Lord that truly makes a woman praiseworthy in God's eyes, and that charm is deceptive and beauty fleeting. but here's my question: what is it that contributes to a woman truly feeling feminine?

if only it were as easy as some plastic nail tips and acrylic gel....

Tuesday, September 24, 2002

i've learned that there is very little quite so beautiful as having a space to call my own....
living out the soy dream....

i am happy to report that my grocery trip was a categorical success! i am certain that each of you reading will be thrilled to note that the turkey sandwich and i finally got acquainted. i was starting to wonder....

tomorrow's (or i guess technically today's) schedule is a bit lighter, for which i am quite thankful. i can't have multiple days in a row of activity - it burns me out too quickly. so i pace myself and things generally truck along fairly smoothly....

at this juncture, i'm exhausted, so i'm going to head out for tonight. before i go, however, i must say that safeway select is a fairly decent brand of products....tonight i was treated to their javapolitan ice cream. a solid two thumbs up, for all my ice cream-eating readers out there....the espresso chip things in the vanilla flavor (the other 2 being espresso and some caramel-type of flavoring) were quite excellent....i'm all about discussing the important things in life, you know? i can't have people not knowing this kind of information! you never know when you're going to be called upon to make some crucial dessert decisions!

say it with me....JAVA-POLI-TAN!

Monday, September 23, 2002

'the best laid plans of mice and men often go awry'

so the symphony was a bust on saturday night. but it was just as well, because, frankly, my stomach was having major issues. i'm feeling much better today, thankfully. all last week, things were simply not working right. as a matter of fact, i've been feeling under the weather for awhile - harboring some kind of low-grade virus, no doubt.

today i'm off to obtain some nourishment for the coming week. i've gotten to a point in my life where i really don't enjoy grocery shopping. back in derwood, it was all about waiting for a month and then calling giant's delivery service to bring a ton of groceries to my front door. you can't beat someone else hauling heavy stuff up and down the stairs for you....

one of the items that i will, most certainly, be purchasing is some soy dream. i have come to terms with the fact that i'm kind of allergic to milk products - i get majorly congested...quite bothersome. so i have decided, therefore, to begin at least having cereal with soy milk, because at least i know i can tolerate the taste if i use that instead of real milk. i won't be sidling up to a tall glass of the stuff on its own, but i can at least begin to incorporate it into my life....

michael, sammie joy, the new kid on the block (that would be aaron, michael's fresh-from-ohio roommate), and i will be starting a weekly bible study, beginning tonight. i'm really quite excited by the prospect of this whole thing. it's been far too long since i've really dug into scripture with another group of believers. all these small groups at churches i've attended have been fine, but it's always more sharing and less actual bible study. i'm ready for some spiritual meat at this point....

there are some things weighing on my mind, but i can't get into all of this now. suffice it to say that there are some stressful things coming up in the next week or so, and i'm praying like heck that i make it through them all....

oh, and have i mentioned that this blog is out to get me?** it's giving me error messages that announce a failure to load the template, and yet my entries are still being posted. what's up with all of this?? we should form a blog coalition and push for an investigation....

**(not to worry, my fine blog-reading people, i am not actually paranoid. sometimes it's just fun to pretend....)

Saturday, September 21, 2002

yesterday i had what i thought was a stellar idea. i decided to drink some merlot while reading the bible (partaking of the fruit of the vine while learning of the True Vine). for those of you who don't know me, i'm not a big drinker. and when i do drink, i do so very hesitantly, because often i do not handle it well. but this wine was sliding down my throat quite nicely, leaving behind a fairly pleasant flavor. i proceeded to drink what would probably amount to no more than a glass and a half, 2 at the most. by the time i finished my small wine tasting, i was already gone. apparently, i am not even capable of drinking that much - at least unless there is food involved. at the outset of that whole experience, i had been quite excited to go through some of james and look up some references to write down and think through. but then i began to realize that i was having a hard time thinking clearly, and i had ZERO ability to concentrate. i, therefore, decided that i had to go and lie down for an hour to sleep off the haze. michael was laughing at me. of course he was. how ridiculous am i?

oh well....that's the last time i try to combine any form of alcohol and Bible study....clearly i am a non-drinker at heart and should remain that way....

so i suppose that i shouldn't have been surprised that, later on in the evening, i felt sick as a dog and had to go to bed with a heating pad on my stomach. at least i got in a good chunk of time to simply lie in bed and moan. one must never underestimate the value in simply groaning out one's pain and/or frustration. sometimes those utterances express what words cannot. this, of course, reminds me of romans 8. more on this at another time. i have much studying on that passage ahead of me.

onto other things: last night at 2:30, from the depths of my coma, i discerned a familiar tune playing loudly. it took me 20 or more seconds to realize that it was my cell phone ringing out michael's personalized melody (his is the only one that will awaken me from a vortex-type of sleep). i know that i had a brief conversation with him, but i have no recollection of what it involved. it's a good thing he knows all my secrets anyway; at least there's little chance of me embarrassing myself at this point in the game....

tonight i go to the alexandria symphony to hear him play.

and in case anyone's wondering, the turkey sandwich (see entry below) has not yet made an appearance. at this point, i've given up on the whole matter.

oh, and one final note: we watched part of 'in the bedroom' last night. what can i say? it bit.

Friday, September 20, 2002

i'm tired. and i don't mean sleepy...i mean tired. you know - that kind of into-your-bones tired that makes you want to take hot showers and drink lots of tea and perhaps sleep for days on end in a comfy bed with lots of pillows.....i'm not sure why this is, but i think i enjoy the torture of sleep deprivation somehow. i must, because even though i have frequent opportunities to go to bed at a reasonable hour, i don't. someone explain this to me!

i need to go through a bunch of papers today and organize them. it's long overdue....

oh, and can i just say that i am having the biggest craving for a turkey sandwich on multi-grain bread? this wouldn't frustrate me so much if it weren't for the facts that a) we have no real food in the house and b) i have no money until monday (due to my very evil bank that i will be leaving asap) and sammie joy's cashola is stuck in her bank (due to their non-atm-card-sending selves). so it's not as though the turkey and i could somehow get connected between now and next week....perhaps it's simply not meant to be....such is the nature of so many seemingly good unions that had such potential at the outset. now, i suppose, we'll never know how it might have turned out....*sigh*

okay, enough with the melodrama....

at least it's friday, people....and for me, that means that sammie will be staying up past 10:30 tonight. yay!

(note: see how little it takes to make me happy?? don't you think i deserve a little turkey sandwich?)

the answer to your question is yes....i do realize that, at this point, i have gone past the edge.....

Tuesday, September 17, 2002

'i believe the children are our future....'

last night i dreamed i was singing whitney houston's 'greatest love of all' while sammie joy accompanied me on the piano. very strange. i believe i was preparing a little something to sing for some kind of program (someone's wedding or funeral, i believe), and that was the first song that popped into my head. she kept asking me if i thought it was appropriate, but i was dead-set on doing the song. i remember finding it amazing that she could suddenly play the piano - and transpose the song into a lower key to boot.

who even knows what all that means?

in other news, my yearly eye-tearing has begun. i am not even joking about this. each year, around early to mid-september (bingo! right on time!), my right eye begins to just run. pretty much all the time. seemingly without reason. and it doesn't stop until it starts getting cold outside. apparently, my eye has decided to make its own way of remembering fall. while i don't begrudge it for being a free-thinker and for doing its own thing - because i'm sure that it has its reasons - i would prefer if it would choose a different method of celebration. i've come to the conclusion that, as i get older, i'm slowly becoming more and more allergic to things....i wonder what's next.

i'm off to richmond for the night. michael is auditioning with the richmond symphony tomorrow and i'm going with him, since it is, after all, my old stomping grounds....

Monday, September 16, 2002

99 bottles of beer on the wall....

can i just say that sometimes life is so ridiculously repetitive?? how i long to break out of the mold at some point and breathe different air into my lungs! i'm not really sure when, or if, that will ever happen, but a girl can dream, can't she?

when i was a kid, i would sometimes sit in the back seat of the car saying 'mom' over and over again, until my mother, in utter frustration, would yell, 'WHAAT?!?!?' honestly, i never wanted anything; part of the joy of the whole process was just to hear myself talk, and sometimes if you said any word often enough - even something as simple as 'mom' - it started to sound strange. i loved it. it drove her nuts. i can say with absolute certainty that, at this point in my life, it would drive ME nuts....

but oh, how i loved that repetition....

that and the fact that EVERY morning - and i mean EVERY morning - i would have the same thing for breakfast: 1 scrambled egg with ketchup, 1 small glass of juice, 1 piece of toast with peanut butter, and 1 pink flouride pill (this wasn't food, per se, although i liked it all the same). i know - you're probably thinking that a) that is such a gross combination of foods and b) how in the heck could someone eat that every single day for breakfast? well, i'm telling ya - i LOVED knowing what to expect every SINGLE day. sometimes things in life were a little too unpredictable for my taste. it was nice to know that breakfast was an event upon which one could count.

these days, there isn't much i can say for certain. allow me to list those things which i believe can be counted upon:

1. the love of Jesus Christ. this is truly the one thing of which anyone can be certain.
2. death. eventually, i'm kicking the bucket.
3. bills. life is an endless series of papers and of money exchange - mostly my money exchanged for their subsequent monthly bills (whomever THEY are)
4. dirty laundry. life is ALSO an endless series of washer/dryer cycles....
5. hunger. ya gotta eat!
6. thirst. see above.
7. excrement. it does, after all, happen:)

boy, when i look at it all that way, it's hard to remember that life can be interesting....

can't it?

and in conclusion, to quote my 11th grade history teacher, mr. raymond b. wallace (said always with a southern drawl), 'EVERYTHING is CYCLICAL. C-Y...C-L-I....C-A-L.....CYCLICAL.'

'nuff said.

Saturday, September 14, 2002

'insanity runs in my family. it practically gallops.' *

sometimes i wonder how it is that i made it to 27...and how quickly, it seems, that i got here. when i was little, i always imagined that by the end of college, i would have secured the man i would marry and that we, launching together into our respective careers, would settle into our wonderful life and begin thoughts of children after an appropriate period of 'alone time'....i guess i missed the part that life is not as simple as picking a man and deciding that he's 'the one'. there's always a hitch: he has to love you back.

not so when i was 3 years old and in nursery school. back then, life was as simple as telling the little boy on the mat next to me during naptime that he was my next boyfriend. he always acquiesed. there was none of this dealing with the relationship or any other complicated thing....

but can i be frank? i'm glad that things didn't work out the way my childhood fantasy would have dictated, because i can nearly guarantee that i would have ruined any marriage that i began at the age of 22. you see, i didn't understand some of the vital things i now know about who i am and who my family is. growing up, i always thought that my family was some unshakable rock, with my grandfather at the helm, leading us all ahead as some proud, cohesive bunch. okay, the grandfather at the helm part was dead-on, but the rest of it? a sham. the truth is that there was a huge undercurrent of crap that, to be honest, still exists, but no one - and i mean no one - has ever publicly acknowledged it. the british aren't the only ones to keep a stiff upper lip....

well guess what? i'm over it. i am out of the business of attempting to protect anyone for the sake of silence. my family has got some real nuts in it (and i'm not talking about mental illness here so much as i am about really bad choices and jacked up ways to live in denial). but then i have this one cousin who has always been actually ill, to the point of being both seriously suicidal or homicidally enraged on any given day, and at every family gathering, she would sit away from the group and cry her eyes out because being with everyone was too damn much for her to bear. as a child, this frightened and perplexed me, and she certainly was on the list of those who aren't really in their 'right mind'....but the more i've thought about her, the more i realize that, chemical imbalances aside, this chick is a person who has obviously been in a tremendous amount of pain all these years. at least she wasn't willing to sit around making nice and pretending like everything was fine. i can respect that (even if sometimes her choices of behavior were slightly less than 'ideal').

news flash: i'm done with making nice and pretending everything is fine.

*from 'arsenic and old lace'

Friday, September 13, 2002

'you give me love, love, love, love.....crazy love.....'

i am all about nuance....the softness that enters the voice of someone when he loves you....the gentle glances your way....the fast-beating heart and rush of emotion that hide behind a simple conversation. but, most importantly, it's the comfort of knowing you're adored, the relaxing into each moment because you don't have to pretend to be anything, or anyone else. the gifts, the evenings out, the 'special conversations' - those are all wonderful....but it's the more subtle moments that somehow leave their mark on your heart. in the seemingly mundane, one realizes what is truly important in life.

someday, down the road, when everything is different, i hope that i will get to share in that kind of forever....
insomnia rides again

sometimes the only reason i stay up past 2 simply to hear the quiet all around me. the world tends to be such a noisy place. frankly, i'm not sure how anyone thinks good thoughts anymore - what with all the technology out there. back in the day, when men were true philosophers, artists, etc., there was much less to distract them. now, there's always a cell phone ringing, someone's alarm going off on their over-priced car, some radio blaring and pounding out more synthetic noise.....

don't get me wrong: i'm technologically aware with the best of them (okay, maybe not the best of them, but at least with the middle-of-the-roaders), but there is nothing like some good, old-fashioned silence to really kick some stuff up in a person's heart and mind. sometimes, frankly, it drives me insane because too much is allowed to come to the surface all at once. but the rest of the time, i am learning to relish the accept that this is where i let go for a moment of all of life's agendas that constantly clamor to be heard..... i am not someone who easily lets go.....

which brings me to my next, non-sequitur of a point: i love ice water. in fact, nearly anything becomes bearable if you put enough ice in it, at least in my estimation. i'm not sure what the deal is with that, but a few years ago, i became more and more enamored of ice. i don't ever remember feeling like i needed a ton of it in my drink as a kid, but then again, the more i think about this, the more i realize that i would tolerate having less than ideal amounts of ice if someone had given me a drink and made the crucial ice decision for me. i think that, in the end, i always preferred more but only had what i wanted when i got it for myself. no longer is this the case for me. first, in my adulthood, i have been able and willing to ASK for what i need in the ice department (somehow asking for lots of ice doesn't seem like too demanding a request) and, more importantly, there are a small handful of people, michael being the shining star of them all, who are my ice advocates. they police my beverages to make sure that i have enough ice at any given time. michael is especially skilled at this type of operation. in fact, we will be sitting at a table having a fairly intense discussion, and he will discern that my ice supply is waning....and almost without warning, he will silently and swiftly (so as not to disturb the rhythm of the conversation) rise from his seat and dash to the fridge to re-stock me. and he takes particular glee in occasionally filling my ice up so full that i am actually quite unable to truly drink from my glass. i suppose it's his way of reminding me that sometimes there is such a thing as too much of something matter. i love it all the same.

you see - THIS is why i recognize that i am slightly (or more, perhaps) off-center...anyone who can go on and on, waxing pseudo-poetic about frozen water in a glass has either too much time on her hands or is just plain weird.....or, i'm thinking, maybe a little of both....

okay, all significant and soul-baring quietness aside, why is it that i'm still awake?

Wednesday, September 11, 2002

'we are not as strong as we think we are....'

i couldn't sleep last night. in fact, when sammie joy poked her head out of the bedroom, i was still sitting at my computer, awake as all get-out. i did manage to catch a couple of fitful hours of sleep between 6 and 9 this morning, but it was a formality at best....i do not feel well-rested. i am not refreshed.

they just finished reading all the names of those killed at the world trade center last year....taps was played....the silence afterwards was deafeningly palpable, nothing but the strong north wind rumbling through the bare site. i wonder what it would be like to be there right now. one woman who went into the small circle (the memorial area laid out on the ground where the towers stood) collapsed in grief on her way out....another group circled to pray....still others just held each other, sobbing. everyone has a right to feel whatever they feel grieve in whatever way helps them to deal with this tragedy.

as for me, i'm exhausted and sad and i feel myself teetering on the edge of tears every moment...i am broken and i feel helpless to do anything for anyone. but i'm glad to be here, feeling sad with so many others in the world. i don't want to pretend that this day didn't happen. i don't want to forget all the individuals who died...and all those who were left behind with broken lives to lead.

and let us all, in this moment, not forget that our lives are fragile wisps, perched on the edge of eternity, being held back by God's gracious hand....our democracy, our security, our 'freedom' - these things are fleeting and can be gone in an instant....but the Lord endures forever, His mercies extend throughout all of time. in this hour, may each of us recognize His sovereign hand. may we lay down our agendas and get to the heart of what really matters....may we each find true love with the only One who loved us enough to stretch out His arms and die for the sins of mankind. in truth, He helps us to make it each and every day. He has not removed His gracious and almighty hand from this world, or surely we would have perished by now. we can't make it through on our own....but in our weakness, He is strong.

'we are frail, we are fearfully and wonderfully made
forged in the fires of human passion
choking on the fumes of selfish rage
and with these our hells and our heavens
so few inches apart
we must be awfully small
and not as strong as we think we are'
(rich mullins)

may God continue to have mercy on america....

Tuesday, September 10, 2002


i was traveling south on georgia avenue towards my office in wheaton, maryland. the sun was shining and the sky was perfectly blue. i remember thinking what a great day it would be to play hooky and go to the park for a picnic. when i picked up my cell phone a few moments later, salimah said, very plainly, 'a plane has crashed into the world trade center....' i was in complete disbelief. i thought that it must be either an accident or some kind of weird joke.

by the time i arrived at my office, the third plane had crashed in dc. as i flipped on my computer, i turned on the radio as well and immediately recognized the melody of 'God bless america' straining from the speakers. my heart raced. i felt nauseated. but nothing, and i mean nothing, was quite as shocking as when i turned toward my office window, which faced toward downtown dc. just as the chorus rose, 'God bless america, my home sweet home,' i saw a huge cloud of dark smoke pouring into the air. it was the pentagon. 'oh Jesus,' i uttered, 'please help us.'

at this point, there was still at least one plane unaccounted for. within moments, i heard on the radio that the first tower had fallen. my co-worker arrived in the office just after me (my boss was out sick for the day). we cried together and wondered what to do. i couldn't think of anything else except getting salimah and making sure that we were safe....or at least together. i made the decision to leave at that point, gathered my things, and practically ran from the building, calling her to say that i was on my way to pick her up.

on my way back up georgia avenue (and before the cell phone service cut out), i called michael, who was in northern jersey, perhaps on his way home to maryland from an audition. i was so scared that, somehow, he may have gotten caught there, not knowing what exactly was going on in new york city. i left a tearful message, hopeful that i would hear from him soon, praying to God that He protect parents....all the people i knew and/or loved....

when i arrived at salimah's office and saw her face, i burst into tears, so thankful that we were both okay, so scared even was the not knowing that was driving me insane. we drove home quickly and turned on the television, spending the afternoon trying to get in touch with our families, saying prayers for all the people whose lives were in danger, thanking God for His mercy and love, clinging to each other as the fighter jets screamed overhead, fearing more attacks and more devastation. the sound of planes was no longer something that we could take for granted as being 'normal' us, it signified death and destruction.

as evening approached, michael finally arrived home. i was so thankful to see his face and remember hugging him tighter than before. we eventually ate dinner, feeling guilty for being hungry when so many people were without homes, without families, without any semblance of security. and thus began a several week-long process of going to work zombified, returning home to watch the news, sleeping with the television on, the cnn newscasters' voices serving as the soundtrack for all my muddled and horrifying dreams. i wasn't sure how to function. i felt like i was losing my mind. i was pissed at the thought that anyone could care about anything else. i cried every single day.

one year ago tomorrow, everything changed in this country. or did it? slowly, life faded back to 'normal'. people stopped looking for terrorists on every corner, the airports re-opened, and television shows resumed their normal schedule. but there are several thousand more people in this world who go to bed at night still wondering when their personal hells will end. like i said before, i didn't lose anyone close to me in any of the attacks and plane crashes, but i felt the impact deeply. and i still feel it deeply. and tomorrow, i will be praying for this country - that God will continue to have mercy on us....that He will continue to protect the lives and hearts of those that i love....that my relatives and friends who don't know Christ will get their hearts straight before something (however small or large) intervenes and it's too late for them.

and i will pray for myself - that i don't ignore the lost souls around me every day....that i stop acting like a fool and start getting serious with the decisions i make....that i seek to glorify God with all that i do and say. thank you, Lord, for another chance to breathe air into my see the sun rise and bow my head in thanksgiving and then to stand and praise Your Holy Name. You alone are God....You are just....You are loving.....You are our only hope....

psalm 121
~a song of ascents~

i lift up my eyes to the hills -
where does my help come from?
my help comes from the Lord,
the Maker of heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot slip -
He who watches over you will not slumber;
indeed, He who watches over israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.

the Lord watches over you -
the Lord is your shade at your right hand;
the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.

the Lord will keep you from all harm -
He will watch over your life;
the Lord will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.

last night, i went to see 'my big fat greek wedding' with michael. it was quite good, but i must say that i wasn't feeling tip-top, so that surely detracted somewhat from my overall enjoyment. and plus, it was another one of those 'awkward girl changes her look and suddenly gets the man of her dreams and they fall in love and get married'-kind of stories. don't get me wrong - i'm all about a good love story, but this one wasn't that compelling. what was particularly entertaining was her crazy family - especially the father, whose answer to all health problems is a good shot of windex. the one thing that really got on my nerves, though, was how much she allowed her family to get away with - making all the decisions for her wedding, including some really hideous outfits! and the husband-to-be didn't seem to care a whit. i couldn't get on board with all of that....

maybe i was in too cynical of a place to see a film last night. i think it was the fact that i was feeling kind of feverish and exhausted, and we had just been lugging around ikea buying michael some desk-type furniture. when i got home, i went to bed before 1 a.m. (unusual for me), so i know that i was tired....

today, however, i'm feeling more refreshed. i slept in until nearly 11 and i feel much less depleted than yesterday. obviously, rest is the answer to all my problems right about now.....

that and a good shot of windex, of course.

Monday, September 09, 2002

two more days and it will be 9/11. i must admit that i've been nervous over the last week or so, wondering how it is that i'll feel when that day finally rolls around again....

yesterday my church held a remembrance service and honored the local fire department, many of whom went to either the world trade center or the pentagon on that fateful day. there was a short video replaying scenes that we've all seen a thousand times by now - the towers burning and then plunging, the huge debris cloud chasing new yorkers down the street, the people caked with dust and blood, looking confused, their eyes filled with terror. i wasn't feeling particularly 'emotional' before the service began, but as soon as i saw the first image on the screen in front of me, tears streamed from my eyes. the 9/11 pool inside my heart is still full, the pain just beneath the surface. i tried at first to hold it in, but gave up soon after one of the firemen got up to share his own experiences from that day, where he was when he heard the news, how his first reaction was to gather his entire family around him, to make sure that everyone was okay....and as he shared, i glanced over at salimah and remembered feeling the same way - the compulsion to get in touch with every person that we loved, even if they were nowhere near any of the targets of attack. it was, without question, the most frightening day of my entire life and, although i didn't lose anyone close to me that day, i did not in any way emerge unscathed. i don't think any of us did....

since yesterday afternoon, i have been watching news specials on cnn and msnbc. i don't want to turn away from the images, painful as they are. i feel that, in some small way, this is my attempt to pay my respect - to not forget....and as i watch stories of people sacrificing their very lives so that others could survive, i give thanks to God for them, praying for their families, praying that the people who were helped by their efforts will know the love of God through their experiences on that day. i thank God for the privilege of being able to sit here and have the luxury of looking back and reflecting. and may this time of remembering be one that inspires me change, to be more unwavering in my trust of who God is, in good times and bad. because it's not so much the possession of the pain and grief and hope that matters, but instead what it is that i...that with it....

God, transform me. transform us.

Wednesday, September 04, 2002


i'm taking a number of days off from the world of blogging. need to play a few rounds close to the chest.

happy birthday, sammie joy. you're a shining star....

Monday, September 02, 2002

in "hiding": could i be ANY more vague?

i'm not in the mood to leave the apartment. i want to hunker down under a big blanket and stay there for days on end. i don't really need food or water or even human interaction - just to know that i'm warm and protected. it's amazing how my heart comes to conclusions. sometimes i go for weeks on end not even knowing or acknowledging how it is that i feel....not, at least, until it catches up with me and makes itself known.

under normal circumstances, the key to spiritual and emotional progress is to stretch out one's arms more than one pulls them back. for me, at this point in my life, it's the opposite. therein lies my problem: my current tendency of late is to be out of touch with sarah. i have become, for myself, the shiftless friend who never returns my call until plans are already ruined and people are inconvenienced. how this practically works out is that i think i can just go on like i normally would, being flippant in my decisions of how i will spend my time, ignoring the part of me that is sitting in the corner sobbing. i wouldn't want to be in a relationship with me just now....

but God is the consummate follow-upper. He never rests, never stirs the pot too soon or too late, never slips up or says the wrong thing, never forgets....never ignores. so i might think i've gone undercover - that i'm being all clever and covert - but i mustn't forget that what is on God's agenda will come to pass, what i try to avoid will be put on my plate. and furthermore, it's not just about what He's doing in my life, but in the lives of those around me. there will be no peace until there is resolution....the proverbial - 'you can run but you cannot hide....' in the end, this is good news - even for me. especially for me.

“for the word of God is living and active. sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. nothing in all creation is hidden from God’s sight. everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of Him to whom we must give account.” - hebrews 4:12,13