Thursday, May 30, 2002

it's 1:35 in the morning, and i should be in bed. but i'm not. i can't be. i'm thinking too much. must. shut. off. brain.

i saw oceans 11 tonight with sammie joy and michael. good flick. very little language and no sex of any kind. engaging plot. nice change of pace. ate some baja fresh for dinner. always a tasty choice.

everything is fine and yet nothing's really feeling that way. i have an odd pain in my side, the cause of which is as yet unknown. i'm tired. i'm grumpy. i want to go somewhere, but i'm not sure where there is to go. i could use a vacation from my existence. maybe just for a day or 2 or 10. i know - i'm talking crazy; this isn't an option at this point, but, man, it would rock my world if it were!

where would i go if money were no object? easy one: italy. venice. florence. of course, i wouldn't want to go there alone. i have a traveling partner in mind;).

all of this is moot. i have no cash and really not much time to spare. gotta pack my stuff. moving rulez the day right about now....

*sigh* ....nothing profound is hitting me. i'm having a hard time keeping my glasses clean. i need an oil change. and some groceries. life is an endless series of errands and chores. shopping, cleaning, laundry. how can you be profound and eloquent when you have housework to do?

time is passing. i need sleep.

Wednesday, May 29, 2002

can i just say that i love 5-grain harvest crisps by nabisco? basically, when everything shakes down and you have nothing to eat for lunch, crackers and some canned tuna fish are the way to go. thankfully, we had a can left, and these crackers make me happy....

yesterday i had nothing to say. i'm not sure that today is any better, but here goes nevertheless....

i'm having a blah day. i spent the majority of my morning reading other people's blogs. it can get pretty addictive at times. frankly, though, i find it interesting that i can stay up to date with people without even needing to interact with them personally. this is not to say that i abhor personal contact - on the contrary. i do find, however, that some days, i'd prefer to take in information only when i desire to take it in, rather than being at the mercy of an ongoing dialogue. up until recently (and i'm still working on it), i had a hard time saying no to things that i really didn't want to do, because i felt stressed out about people's responses. not anymore. i've decided that, within reason, i'm standing my ground on matters of personal importance. please hear me - i don't have a new goal NOT to compromise with people. in fact, i think that i can compromise with the best of them when the chips are down, but if it's something that really matters to me, i don't want to be swayed by my fears. i've done that for too long.

so, as i was explaining to a friend of mine last night, i'd rather have nothing over some bad impression of the "real" thing any day. i am, hereafter, shunning the emotional, physical, spiritual, etc. frozen yogurt in my life and am holding out for the 'ben and jerry's'....no sense in loading down my life with empty, wasteful things, emotions, etc. just so i can say i had 'something'. bogus. no thanks. not for me.

i feel a page turning.....

Monday, May 27, 2002

8:15 pm on memorial day. sammie joy and i just got home from stuart and julie's house. we also saw dan and jenn for a bit and had a great time chatting with all of them. stuart made the most scrumptious grilled marinated portabello mushroom caps (which were the size of a large pancake!). we had some good drinks (including salimah's car bomb 'moment' that included pouring the drink partially down the front of herself as she gulped it) and just spent the afternoon visiting with them. what lovely, excellent people. not to mention their almost 3-year old daughter, brigit, who is just the star of any 'show', hands down. all was well; we were well-fed and talked up, and we decided to venture out into the muggy but fairly clear evening. holy cow - not 10 miles down the road, it begins to pour - like crazy. and hail. big hail. sounded like it was going to break through the windshield kind of hail. scared me to death. the whole of 270 was backed up because people were driving 15 miles per hour. you couldn't see more than a few feet in front of the car. talk about scary. i saw the edge of the cloud formation that was covering us, and the difference between the 'clear' sky and where we were was astonishing. so dark and ominous.

obviously, we made it home safely despite the torrential rains and ice pellets. back in my little room with all the comforts of home. i can't help but wish that we were still hanging out with our frederick buds, though. such great people. so down to earth and kind; how could you not love them? and any man (stuart) with whom you can have a long conversation about the proper marinade for meat is a good man in my book!

clearly, sammie joy and i are co-presidents of the henderson fan club; we should get t-shirts:)

Sunday, May 26, 2002

it's nearly 6 pm on the day before memorial day, 2002. i spent a couple of hours with sammie joy today packing up her books and video tapes. it has in no way hit me yet that in three short weeks, she will be moving out. for good. and then i will follow a week later - to where? i have no idea. it's a crazy and uncertain time right now in my life, but one thing is for sure. i'm being cared for and looked out for in ways that makes me know that it is the Lord's hand that is on this whole situation. there are people out there in the world who may be reading this blog...you know who you are...i thank God for you every day. truly, He has provided for me abundantly because of the kindness of your heart. there's at least one person that only is known by God Himself. your kindness has not gone unnoticed. thank you. may you be blessed to overflowing.

here's one scripture that's currently tacked to the wall over my desk:

"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." - Philippians 4:4-7

how could i possibly add even a moment on to my life by stressing out about where to go next or what to do or when to do it? does this mean i don't stress out? no. but in the end, i have the understanding that it benefits no one, me especially, by panicking and asking all kinds of 'what if' questions. i need to be continually helped with this issue, because it is my natural, human tendency to freak out at the slightest sign that things are going to get "interesting". the unexpected is never welcomed with open arms. and yet, by the grace of God, i am able to accept the things that come my way, because i do know that, regardless of circumstances and how things appear, my life is in God's care and i can rest in that.

i'm off to cook dinner and plan in my head what's the next category of things to go into boxes. this will all happen in due time; it's a process, just like everything else. in the mean time, i must keep my wits about me and enjoy putting my things neatly organized into brown cardboard containers so that they can be stored in a locked room. all of this is, after all, temporary. the way that i've grown and changed in the last two years - that stays with me:)
i've been feeling kind of restless.
i've been feeling out of place.
i can hear a distant singing, a song that i can't write,
and it echoes in what i'm always trying to say.

there's a feeling i can't capture.
it's always just a prayer away.
i want to know the ending, things hoped for but not seen,
but i guess that's the point in hoping anyway.

going home, i'll meet you at the table.
going home, i'll meet you in the air.
you are never to young to think about it.
oh, i cannot wait to be home.

i'm confined by my senses
to really know what you are like.
you are more than i can fathom, more than i can guess,
and more than i can see with human sight.

but i have felt you with my spirit.
i have felt you fill this room.
this is just an invitation, a sample of the whole,
and i cannot wait to be going home.

going home, i'll meet you at the table.
going home, i'll meet you in the air.
you are never too young to think about it.
oh, i cannot wait to be home.

face to face, how can it be?
face to face, how can it be?
face to face, how can it be?

(words & music by sara groves)

the sky is filled with gray this morning. amazing how with all the clouds, the sun can still shine through. when i woke up, the house was so quiet. even the neighbors upstairs had yet to stir. it is in those moments that i love to hear God whisper my name, reminding me that i can still hear His voice, even over the clamor of the world. i feel my heart leap in my chest at the thought that someday there will be nothing that separates me from seeing Him face to face. oh, what a song i'll sing on that day....

i cannot wait to be home ><>

Saturday, May 25, 2002

to quote my beloved sammie joy: 'the impediment is the conduit'. how often is it so that the one thing that seems to stand in the way of our goal in any given situation is also the one thing that is going to serve as the means whereby that goal is ultimately accomplished? i think about moses and the israelites and pharoah. God hardened pharoah's heart - used him as a stumbling block to the 'goal' of setting the captives free. but in the end, that rebellion and hardness opened the door to a miracle, and God stepped in and saved those people.

in life, there are circumstances that present themselves - events that would seem to be huge blocks in the road of our lives. but it is THOSE times, THOSE moments that God often uses to make His glorious plan for us evident. it is in HIS overcoming those obstacles through our lives that we learn, are changed, and are given the privilege of magnifying His greatness and His goodness.

i've been thinking about truth tonight...about the understanding that the world has in times of trial...about the ways in which we so often seek to understand things. i am reminded of 1 Corinthians 1:18 through 2:2:

*****************************
"for the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved, it is the power of God. for it is written: 'i will destroy the wisdom of the wise; the intelligence of the intelligent i will frustrate.' where is the wise man? where is the scholar? where is the philosopher of this age? has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world? for since in the wisdom of God the world through its wisdom did not know him, God was pleased through the foolishness of what was preached to save those who believe. jews demand miraculous signs and greeks look for wisdom, but we preach Christ crucified: a stumbling block to jews and foolishness to gentiles, but to those whom God has called, both jews and greeks, Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God. for the foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man's strength.

brothers, think of what you were when you were called. not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. but God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things - the things that are not - to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him. it is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God - that is, our righteousness, holiness, and redemption. therefore, as it is written: let him who boasts boast in the Lord.

when i came to you, brothers, i did not come with eloquence or superior wisdom as i proclaimed to you the testimony about God. for i resolved to know nothing while i was with you except Jesus Christ and Him crucified."
*****************************

there is no truth that i can offer that has not already been offered. there is nothing profound i can say that has not, in some way, already been said. and any light that i am able to shed on anything that IS true is because of the truth that i have come to know because of Christ. may i know nothing else. may i see all things - the hard, the good, the sad, the joyful, through the lens of what i know to be true about God. may i not look to myself for wisdom, for strength, for understanding, but instead to Him who keeps my very life.

the bottom line is that the world cannot offer true solutions to life's difficulties. it looks at people who put their faith in Christ, whom they cannot 'see', and call it ridiculous, while they run off to their astrologer or their self-help book or whatever in the hopes of finding answers to their tough questions. honestly, why not trust a God that has actually proven Himself worthy of being trusted? look at the changed lives of people who know Him. look at the beautiful world He has created. why not give HIM the benefit of the doubt?

anyway, i'm going to stop here out of a desire not to ramble on. i have much more to say on this subject, but it's late, and i need to go to sleep. the one thing that is being impressed upon me tonight, above all things, is that, despite my weak and foolish heart, God has a plan for my life that is being worked out day by day, minute by minute, breath by breath, and His love for me is what fuels that plan. and this wonderful adventure may look like chaos to someone on the outside, but to me, it is the air that i breathe - to know Him more and to be transformed by that knowing and by the love He has poured out on my life. if you're reading this, wherever you are, my prayer for you is that you may know that love for yourself and rejoice in the awareness that the 'foolishness' that has been confounding the world for all of eternity is truly the wisdom that will save your very life. know Him. love Him. serve Him.

peace

Wednesday, May 22, 2002

my new favorite quote of the moment (taken from frasier last night). the first sentence may not be exact:
"henri, you cannot ban me from your bistro! it's my chez away from chez!"

that kills me. the pretention in that last sentence is simply beautiful! i have always appreciated that about frasier and niles - their intellectual snobbery. it makes me laugh. i can deal with that kind of thing much more than people being cruel to one another, and you get the feeling that those guys really do care about one another, even in the midst of their bickering and occasional throwing of insults. that was the reason i didn't like seinfeld much. even though there were elements of the show that i found amusing (mostly jerry's stand-up comedy), i thought the characters were rude to one another. even though they spent a lot of time together, i never got the feeling that they felt CARE for anyone but themselves. sure, i know, a lot of people are like that, but i wouldn't want to spend time with them. the concepts behind the shows, in my opinion, were funnier than how they actually played out. i know, about 95% of the world would disagree with me on this point, but i don't care. it's just simply how i feel....

i had a strange dream last night. i was at my parents' house (which had a strange driveway at the back of the house that involved going up a pretty steep gravel-covered hill, with patches of mud and grass throughout) with some random people: the homecoming queen from my high school class, a guy from my old church, michael, and this other guy from middle school/high school who would occasionally show up and then disappear. apparently we were going there, because we were attending something at my parents' church and i was serving as a minister in some capacity for the event. i didn't know this until the last minute when all of the ministers were supposed to march down the center aisle, and i wasn't wearing a robe. i also had on this hideous flowery dress, and the robe was a flimsy white thing that wasn't going to cover the patterns on the fabric. i was anxious about this, but threw the robe on at the last second, just as i was beginning my trip down the aisle. people were talking out loud and saying things like, 'who is that?' 'what's she doing here?', etc. when we all got to the front (i'm not sure where the rest of my group was; i presumed that they were scattered throughout the sanctuary), someone made an announcement that i was participating in this "ceremony" and that no one should be alarmed, because i was my parents' daughter and wasn't it nice that i had come all this way to be with them? everyone in the congregation was looking at me with these incredibly warm smiles and some people even clapped and cheered a bit. so strange. in another dream, i was making ANOTHER trip to my parents' house, with the same group of people, minus michael, and the driveway was even steeper; additionally, i seemed to be the one with the only memory of having been there before. the homecoming queen had a headache, and i kept losing the other 2 guys. the two things i do remember were that the HC queen was wearing her cheerleading outfit, and i was doing a load of light clothes in the laundry because one of my shirts had a stain on it, and i didn't want to wear that flowery dress again.

my brain makes no sense whatsoever to me.

Tuesday, May 21, 2002

so the blog was down all day. i realized that i have become accustomed to putting my thoughts and feelings out there for people to see, and it was a bit disconcerting to be unable to unload my mind in that way. but things are back up and running, and all seems well.

i was watching a documentary tonight about the structural engineering of the trade towers (i only saw pieces of it, really). it's so amazing to me that the designers took into account what kind of damage would occur if a boeing 707 hit those buildings, but of course, the 767s that crashed into the towers were larger, faster, and carried more fuel than what they could have envisioned at the time. additionally, no one took into consideration the effect of that much burning fuel on the structure of the buildings. it made me wonder if the terrorists took notes and used our own intelligence against us. it seems likely that they did. how often is that the downfall of man - his own plans having gone awry?

in the midst of the uncertainty that is hovering over america right now as to whether/when there will be another attack, i find myself considering the fact that God's hand of sovereignty has never been moved. not once. nothing has surprised Him or thwarted His plans in the least. what a comfort, because life can be truly frightening sometimes.

i'm thankful for the ability to be alive and to encounter each day with the uncertainty of living intermingled with the knowledge that the Lord is ruler over all. what a gift. what a mystery.

goodnight....

Monday, May 20, 2002

okay, warning. what i am about to say may make you think that i am an actual dork. i can only verbally reassure you that i am not; alas, if you do not believe me, there is nothing i can do to convince you otherwise.

so basically, i have this huge closet in my apartment. i mean, it's like a small guest room almost. large enough to fit a bed (although not much else). you get the point. anyway, so today i'm trying to decide what to wear (hmm...overalls or khakis? i'm a creature of habit!) and i realize that i completely have a pair of navy blue pants that i've never even worn!! i've owned these things for almost a year, and i completely forgot they exist. cha-ching. it's all about new clothes without having to spend any money!! (okay, this is kind of faulty reasoning, but you see where i'm going with this.) they still have that never-washed, new pants sheen, so i'm wandering about in my apartment today in the hopes of wearing them in a bit. this is such ridiculousness, people. it's not as though i have that many clothes that i could easily lose a pair of pants in my closet. me = anti-clothes horse. anyway, it was a bit of a fun realization. just wanted to share.

it's gorgeous outside today. sunny, breezy, cool. basically the perfect day, in my estimation. i like days where you feel truly comfortable being outside. it also helps if there's a low pollen count, but i'm not getting unrealistic in my hopes here. i woke up without event at 8:15, even though i was on the phone with my friend amy (a.k.a. the bomb) until after 2 am. i feel refreshed, though, and my headache - ALL PRAISE TO GOD - has subsided. i will say this - i think i need some new pillows, because i'm certain that my slipshod cushioning is partially responsible for my neck aches. must check into this when i can justify spending the money.

i'm off to eat some leftover pad thai, my new favorite noodle dish. why did i not know how good this stuff was before? no worries, though. at least i know now - and isn't knowing HALF the battle? (am i quoting g.i. joe? someone silence me.)

Sunday, May 19, 2002

let me say this: antihistamines are NOT for the weak. last night, my advil wasn't quite doing the job, so i took a couple of allergy pills (my eyes were also itching - this was my justification) because i knew that they would a) relax me and b) help me sleep in addition to c) helping my allergy symptoms. problem #1: when i awoke this morning, i felt like i was in some kind of warp and knew that there was no way i could operate a large piece of machinery such as my vehicle. problem #2: going along with said warp, i was sucked into a vortex and slept until NOON. this almost never happens to me, but the force of the medicine was so strong, i could not pull myself out of it. problem #3: when i did finally yank myself out of the sleep hole in which i was buried, my eyes refused to focus and my speech was all slurry. i had to sit in my room for an hour and a half staring into space and trying to come out of my cloud. man, i gotta tell ya, it was not a cool thing, but my overarching problem of the aforementioned headache had been dealt with - at least for the time.

needless to say, i didn't make it to church this morning. i was quite bummed when i realized that wasn't going to happen, but i am trying not to get overly self-critical about it. i will move on and try again next weekend. on a brighter note, i have been able to get my room cleaned and dusted/vacuumed today (thanks to some help from the illustrious miss sammie joy!!) and have packed up all of the stuff belonging to my former company so that it can be returned to shari and i have one less thing to think about, especially with this upcoming move, etc. it feels good to purge one's life of unnecessary stuff, important or not, and serves as a bit of 'soul cleaning' in a way. i know that something feels a bit lighter now that i got that one thing accomplished. i still have some papers to sort through, but i'm much more motivated to do that when my surroundings are neat and tidy. i have always loved the phrase 'a place for everything and everything in its place'. my family would probably find this comical, considering the fact that my room NEVER exemplified this growing up; the thing is this - just because someone thinks something is EXCELLENT doesn't mean that they always live up to it. i mean, wouldn't we all just love to be able to fully live out what we know to be true?

non sequitur: i am starting to get more and more interested in things of an herbal nature. now i know what some of you are thinking - i don't mean mary jane, people. i'm talking herbal remedies....oregano extract, for instance. i find myself recommending it to various people. that stuff is just plain beneficial, any way you slice it. michael, aren't you proud of me?:)

non sequitur #2: my head hurts again. i swear, i need to buy stock in whatever company makes advil. this time, i think it's half tension, half allergies. i was around dust all day. it shouldn't surprise me that my head is pounding. Lord, please, can there be some relief from this soon? stress is not cool.....even when we aren't aware of its presence, it still finds a way to make itself known. the clear and unmistaken identity of my stress = this headache. i hold it all in my shoulders and stomach. it's got to be at least one or the other, if not both. and since my stomach is doing a-ok, we all know what that means....i know you're all getting tired of hearing about me and my headache. maybe i should give it a name, and that way it won't seem like such an impersonal, clinical topic. i'm taking nominations for the names of my headache. if you have a stellar idea, send it here. i'll post a result in a few days. i hope that SOME OF YOU will send me a nomination; contests are fun, people. maybe i'll give out a prize!!:) (did that entice you in the least??)

final note: having thai food with michael and sj for dinner. then maybe watch a movie? in the mean time, listening to chris thile & sean watkins, nickel creek bluegrass boys. listenin' to them fingers fly!!

quote of the day:
4:45 pm, tuesday, 4/30/02
me: what's wrong with you?
sj: i've had a tickle in my throat since last thursday.
me: (laughs mildlly)
sj: i'm not kidding! it's a cat's hair. it's STUCK in my LUNG!
okay, so this is getting ridiculous. it's now 1:37 in the morning on sunday (technically, but it's still basically saturday night) and i STILL have a headache. now it's worse, because it's on both sides of my head. it had actually subsided for awhile today, but after i took a nap, it came back again. i know it's tension, and there's not a whole lot i can do for it, but now it's just morphed into something more all-encompassing.

sammie joy and i went to see 'about a boy' tonight. charming movie. good dialogue. hugh grant and some endearing brit kid. all in all, i'd give it 2 thumbs up, but i will say that my enjoyment was somewhat hampered by the fact that my head was pounding. and to make matters worse, we sat behind this guy who was wearing polo by ralph lauren. can i just say that i HATE that cologne? to me, it smells sweet in that gross and overbearing way. that bit of olfactory harassment didn't help my brain pain in the least.

i just took 2 advil migraine. at this point, it's getting bad enough that light and seeing are starting to bother me. i'm already in that 'i need quiet' place, so that's definitely not a good sign. i sincerely hope that i feel better in the a.m.. church is at 10:45.

oh, and for those of you keeping tabs, i decided not to go see GLAD. wasn't feeling like it as the afternoon progressed. so instead, we had some dinner and watched {brace yourselves for this} the barry manilow special on cbs. hey, what can i say? i'm a child of the 70s and i dig a couple of his songs. if nothing else, it's a trip down memory lane. gotta have those every once in awhile.

eek. i need rest. goodnight all:)

Saturday, May 18, 2002

one thing i have discovered: i have a serious muscle tension headache that is actually so completely messing me up right now. this is the SAME headache i have had since wednesday, and no amount of hot showers, advil, or self-massage has helped it even one bit. the muscles in the right side of my neck that travel up by my ear and into my face are actually so tense, i can feel them when i swallow. this is not cool, people. i need to be sedated or something. if i had a muscle relaxant, you can bet your brother i'd be taking one right about now....

i had the house to myself tonight. sammie joy was in pg county. it was pretty quiet but turned out to be nice. i needed the solitude to deal with my throbbing brain. around 12ish, ange showed up with mr. pau and she is currently in snoozeville on my sofa. it was nice to end the evening with some company, although i will say that it felt weird to be around people, since i haven't seen any all day long....

well, now that it's after 1 a.m., i'm taking my brain throb and calling it a night. it's officially saturday now; let the official week-ending relaxation begin:)

Friday, May 17, 2002

even though i'm totally out of work, fridays still excite me. there's something electric in the air on the day leading into the weekend...the hope of something interesting happening in one's life. of course, this rarely matches up to reality, but it's always a nice feeling nevertheless.

i am happy to report that i had no psychotic small pox dreams. i don't remember a single dream from last night as of right now. perhaps one will come to me during the course of the day. it was a very uneventful night, and i woke up, again uneventfully, at 8:08 a.m., not 5 minutes before the phone rang. i'm glad that i was conscious before that happened, because i needed to write down a phone number, and there's nothing worse than trying to sound awake when you're actually not. you know - people call and they always say, 'OH, did i WAKE you?' and then you have to stammer something reassuring so that they won't feel guilty. why do i do that? i guess because the few times i've said 'yes' when people have asked me that question, they go on and on for several minutes apologizing (i do this, too), and it's better to say you were awake to avoid feeling awkward by their awkwardness. i dunno. this is just my thought for now.

goal: be more honest and kindly refuse to let people apologize when there's no need.

i think i'm going to trash some stuff in my room today. i have far too many old catalogs that need to go. sammie joy is always harping on me about this. it's funny, really, because once at month at least, she will tell me to just call ALL the merchants and tell them never to send me anything again. for some reason, this makes me chuckle. maybe it's because it was i, and i alone, who solicited this 'unwanted' mail in the first place. one day last year while i was bored, i went to different websites and requested catalogs. isn't that always the way - we get ourselves into our biggest messes?:) now i have a constant influx of shiny paper arriving in my mailbox; sammie, i'm sorry it drives you mad. you won't have to deal with it much longer. while i'm thinking about it - my apologies to the postman for having to drag an extra armful of periodicals up the stairs to our mailbox. but hey, at the very least, my tax dollars are allowing my postal service worker to develop good strong arm muscles.

it's ALL about looking on the bright side, people. it's FRIDAY!!!
i watched the season finale of ER tonight. i don't know why i did that. it was all about small pox. i'm sure i'm going to have strange dreams tonight. i'll probably be diseased or something. that always happens to me. i have a way too vivid imagination and get myself into trouble by watching disturbing things. for instance, this one time i watched an episode of 'unsolved mysteries' that was so disturbing to me, i had nightmares for a week. to this day, if i hear the opening music for that show, i start feeling a bit panicked. strange, i know. i'm kind of a scaredy cat when it comes to some things:).

nothing exciting to report today. i wish i had something much more profound to say. didn't do much exciting tonight, except watch 'friends' and the aforementioned 'ER', had baja fresh for dinner and hung out with sammie joy. hopefully this weekend, i'm going to see the a cappella group GLAD in concert at clc (it's free!). it's been about 5 years since i saw them in richmond, and i must say that they put on a fantastic show.

have i mentioned how much i NEED to start packing? yeah. i thought so.

Wednesday, May 15, 2002

it's 10:38 and i just got home from the cheesecake factory (yes, i know, this seems to be becoming a trend lately!). tonight, our small group from church had dinner there to celebrate one girl's birthday and new job. michael and i shared the bang bang chicken and shrimp, along with some crispy crab wontons that were just simply awesome. i'm glad we split the dinner, because the portions at that place are just too huge (plus, it's a bit pricey!). anyway, it's nice to be able to get to know some more people, and the couples in this small group are just great. i feel like they're the kind of people i could open up to and really become friends with (eek! i'm ending a sentence with a preposition - major no no!). that's exciting and altogether unusual, given my experiences over the last several years. once again, i find myself thanking God for this church. it couldn't have come at a better time....

the downside of eating all of that rich food is that i'm feeling a bit blah (this is mostly a hold-over from an earlier blah that had settled on me mid-afternoon). i think i'm fighting something off - a virus maybe. it's funny - whenever sammie joy has something wrong with her, she claims it's GOUT. once i asked her if she even knew what that meant, and she replied simply, 'NO, but i KNOW it's GOUT!!' never argue with a woman in this state of mind. (men, take note of this!!) anyway, i digress....praise the Lord that i don't have anywhere to be until 3:00 tomorrow (thanks, michael!!!), so i should be able to rest well and thoroughly and perhaps have a physically non-blah day tomorrow. here's hoping......

last issue of the night: i've been thinking about the whole work thing and wondering what will happen next. i was talking with some people tonight - i would love to find a scenario where i could do all of the cooking for someone's family and get paid for it - or have it in exchange for room & board or something. of course, i still have other bills i need to pay, but it would be so nice to be able to spend my time doing something i truly enjoy that also allows me to express myself creatively. hmm....just some thoughts i'm turning over in my mind.

my mouth is dry; must seek water. goodnight, world. i'm gonna watch a little tube and then head to dreamland:)
i love the wood song by the indigo girls. it has a lot of noah's ark imagery in it and reminds me of college and pain and struggling and learning and growing. here are the words:

the wood song
the thin horizon of a plan is almost clear
my friends and I have had a tough time
bruising our brains hard up against change
all the old dogs and the magician
now I see we’re in the boat in two by twos
only the heart that we have for a tool we could use
and the very close quarters are hard to get used to
love weighs the hull down with its weight

but the wood is tired and the wood is old
and we’ll make it fine if the weather holds
but if the weather holds then we’ll have missed the point
that’s were i need to go

no way construction of this tricky plan
was built by other than a greater hand
with a love that passes all our understanding
watching closely over the journey
yeah but what it takes to cross the great divide
seems more than all the courage i can muster up inside
but we get to have some answers when we reach the other side
the prize is always worth the rocky ride

but the wood is tired and the wood is old
and we’ll make it fine if the weather holds
but if the weather holds then we’ll have missed the point
that’s where i need to go

sometimes i ask to sneak a closer look
skip to the final chapter of the book
and maybe steer us clear from some of the pain it took
to get us where we are this far
but the question drowns in its futility
and even i have got to laugh at me
cause no one gets to miss the storm of what will be
just holding on for the ride

the wood is tired the wood is old
and we’ll make it fine if the weather holds
but if the weather holds then we’ll have missed the point
that’s where i need to go

in life, things are hard sometimes. sometimes they nearly bend you to the point of breaking. but if they never got to that point, how would you really understand the grace and mercy of God? until a person comes to terms with the fact that they have fallen short of God's standard, which is perfection, how will they ever see their need for a Savior? this is the reason that i thank and praise God for the trials i have encountered in my life, because they help me to see His face clearly in the fog of the rest of the world. and without clear vision, i would perish.

every time i listen to those words, written by a woman who (as far as i know) doesn't have a personal relationship with the Lord, it brings me sadness on the one hand and joy on the other, because if she's really looking, she'll find Him. no one goes searching for the truth, if they are truly searching, and fails to find it. God promises us that. and i'm so glad that i have assurance that it is worth waiting to get to 'the other side', and there's nothing i could have done, or can ever do, to get myself there. the cross of Christ bridged the divide between me and God.....there is no mustering of courage for me, except to hold tight and keep my head up.

wow. knocks my socks off. makes me thankful for the journey i'm on. glad to know that God has mercifully given me another day to learn and love and be changed by Him. i need it. we all do.

><>
tonight i received an e-mail from a guy i went to high school with that i always found so fascinating. as it turns out, he became a Christian 4 years ago and is now married and has a kid. i mean, it really made me TRULY happy, because i had no idea what had happened to him, and to find out that his life has been transformed just simply thrills me.

my head hurts. it's one of those aches that kind of encompasses my entire brain, both eyes, and my neck and upper back. sleep is the only cure for situations such as this.

i need water. and advil. and a lot of rest.

projects for the next couple of weeks: 1) figure out what to do with my couch; 2) start researching storage units to hold my life; 3) pack up the un-needed items in my apartment; and 4) throw/give away everything i don't want.

g'night:)

Tuesday, May 14, 2002

i was just thinking earlier....it blows my mind that it's been nearly 10 years since i graduated from high school. i got in touch with a couple of old friends today through classmates.com. it's a great resource (if you're willing to pay the fee) to get in touch with people with whom you've lost contact. this one friend in particular, shayna, i've been looking for her off and on for the last 5 or 6 years at least. and then, suddenly, i'm e-mailing her and making plans to talk on the phone more in-depth. this girl and i BONDED in high school. we were soul sisters. nothing less. but time and distance create problems and prove to be impediments to closeness. it's funny - reconnecting....it's almost as though a certain amount of time must pass between two people before they're in the place to be able to reconnect. apparently for us, it's taken 8 years to be ready. and now, we've arrived....

i'm excited to talk to her tomorrow. i can't wait to find out who she is now....if she's still the same person i used to talk to about all the philosophical thoughts i was having as a 16-year old. youth wasn't wasted on us, boy. we were forward thinkers back then. having epiphanies all the time. conversating about art, music, life, love, God, all the questions we had. i miss those days sometimes.

shayna used to get up in the middle of the night to bake bread sometimes. she was wonderfully eccentric and i, wanting to break out of the mold of suburbia, found her to be like a cool drink of water for my mind. i could be real with her. i could express my heart without worrying that she'd find me foolish or overly sentimental. i missed her when she left for college. no more notes of encouragement in between classes, no more random poetic musings scribbled down during english class and passed along in the hall or found stuffed through the vent holes in my locker, no more spending time drinking holy wine (her dad is a rabbi) over at her house while we sat at the kitchen table arguing over whether cats or dogs were better.

high school. there will never be another time like it in all of life.

thank you, God.

Monday, May 13, 2002

another unprecedented morning. it's 7:30 and here i am awake (not wide awake, mind you, but awake nevertheless). for those of you who know me well, you know that this doesn't just happen to me. i do NOT wake up early on my own. honestly, i'm not sure why exactly, but my dreams were a little tormenting. actually, i think i know - it's because i've been reading rosie o'donnell's autobiography. i'm nearly done with it, but i had to stop myself last night from reading anymore of it because i find it truly disturbing. i won't give too much away, but i will say this: that woman has some serious pain and issues in her life, and she allows herself to be taken advantage of WAY too much. it's not out of stupidity or ignorance either. she almost knowingly walks right into trouble, even when all of her friends and family are feeling the 'danger' vibe. so anyway, i feel sadness for her. i really do. and a lot of my dreams had that theme of despair and heartache.

i don't know why i do this to myself, but i watched a documentary on hbo last night about a boy whose mother died in the 9-11 attacks on the world trade center. the whole film centered around telling this 7-year old that his mother isn't coming back. his dad waited for 10 days to finally break the news to the kid, because he didn't know how to tell him or what he would do in response to this information. the child just wrapped his whole self around the father and wept. and i wept for him, for all those people. the grandmother was a complete wreck. everytime she saw a picture of the twin towers, she passed out. at the memorial service, when the pastor said her daughter's name (the one that had died), she passed out. i find that interesting - how an overloading of grief can be so severe that it would make a person black out because they cannot bear up under the weight of it.

it's been awhile since i've seen footage of people throwing themselves out of the wtc, plunging the 100 or so stories to their death. i wonder what i would have done if i had been in their place...whether i would have preferred to burn in the collapsing building or taken a nosedive to the pavement. that's not a choice most people are comfortable with making. those poor people. those poor, poor people.

so it's monday all over again and there's a somber tone in the air this morning. too much of other people's reality can make one's heart feel sick........

Sunday, May 12, 2002

bummer. i didn't wind up making it to church this morning. my allergies were so bad and my head was just pounding. so i came home after dropping sammie joy off at the train station and i got back in bed. i took some antihistamines (non-prescription) about mid-afternoon that COMPLETELY knocked me out. i slept for about 2 1/2 hours, after which i had to DRAG myself out of the stupor in which i found myself. i will say this - my eyes aren't itching NEARLY as much anymore. thank God for medical remedies. sometimes they are such a blessing!

i've been home alone all day, and it's been eerily calm. the phone has only run twice, which is kind of unusual. there are moments when i wonder if the whole world is on vacation...no one's reachable and nothing makes any noise. too much of that and i start to get a little batty.

i had some indian food for dinner....something about mango chutney mixed with spicy, curried food. let me say - in a word - DELISH. it's funny - as a kid, i abhorred spicy food, whereas now, i gravitate towards it. 10 years ago, if i had gone into a restaurant where they served spicy food, part of me would panic in anticipation of the pain i would experience as the spices hit my mouth. now, it's kind of exciting....i now find myself wondering just how much spice i can actually take before i have to shower my mouth with something soothing. okay, SPEAKING of spice, there's this indonesian restaurant not that far from my old office, and once michael, my boss, and i went there for lunch. he had this chicken dish, ayam bakakak (unsure of spelling). HOLY COW. i have never been in so much pain in all of my life, spice-wise. it was so hot, i couldn't taste anything. it was as though my senses were temporarily paralyzed and my tastebuds were unable to send anything to my brain that could be discerned. suddenly, my mouth was speaking only the language of PAIN. and when i say pain, i mean hot, searing pain. the kind that will not go away no matter what you do to it. for the next 45 minutes after eating this one bite of food, my mouth continued to have flashbacks. just as i thought i was past the worst of it, another wave would come, bringing more pain with it. unbearable. there is no other way to describe it. and somehow, michael just sat there eating this stuff, blowing his nose profusely and sweating a bit. and i, in my misery, sat in sheer astonishment.

enough of my spicy food rambling. i'm going to read a book.
here's something unprecedented: i woke up extra early this morning without my alarm. can't say anything other than that the Lord Himself woke me up and told me to get out of bed and pray about some things. when the Creator of the universe wakes you up, how can you say no to Him?

anyway, since i'm never really up this early, i thought i'd be all 'original' and post to the blog. i think this is the only 7:55AM entry you'll ever see in here, so enjoy it while it lasts.

still feeling kind of 'allergic' this morning. hopefully i can shake off the headache that's got my head in a bit of a vice. will eat breakfast for sure, given the rumbling in my mid region. must take my herbs and vitamin/supplement thingies. michael's got me hooked on wild oregano oil extract stuff....read up on it if you're interested. that stuff will cure anything! it's referred to in scripture as hyssop and is what people used to cleanse themselves with (in more of a ritual cleansing sense). it has some serious anti-viral effects and generally just seems to help set things right internally.

so anyway, i'm off to spend some quality time with the Lord before going to church later on. happy mothers day, everyone....go call yours and give her some love.

Saturday, May 11, 2002

okay, i have one more thing to say. i have recently come across the group 'nickel creek' and i love them. and what's more, i just got the solo albums of the 2 guys in the group, chris thile and sean watkins. i am listening to chris's album right now. holy cow. it's string love. that's all i've got to say. bluegrass-ey and jazzy string love. i'm a bit amazed that i'm finding myself so into this. not at all what i would have expected to enjoy, but last weekend, i caught the tail end of a concert of theirs on pbs or some such station, and i was enamored of the whole lot of them. nothing pretentious. just good music and some serious musical gifting going on there....

anyway, i can give it 2 thumbs up, unequivocally. check them out. their website is www.nickelcreek.com, if you're interested.

still coughing the pollen out of my lungs. blech...
i just got back from spending the night in richmond, and can i just say that i have realized even more fully that i ACTUALLY have allergies at this point? over the last several years, i have begun to have minor to severe reactions to pollen, dust, cats, and a few other things here and there. it's funny, because all of this mess started when i went away to college and has progressed, year by year, since then. strange.

anyway, it was good to hang out with my parents and spend some time there with sammie joy in their new house.

we went to borders today and i had a chai tea latte (iced, of course) that violated me. i cannot explain exactly why, but i felt as though i were fast approaching death. thankfully when i got back to my parents house and i took 3 advil, a claritin (thanks to my mom), and drank a few glasses of water, i began to emerge from said death shroud. now if i could just get my eyes to stop itching like crazy....

for all of you who know me but have yet to meet michael, i hope that you can appreciate at this point why it is that i love that boy's mind (see entry below). and for those of you who have already commented to me that you think he "rocks", i am using this forum to pass that information along.....michael, be aware that your coolness is reaching people beyond gaithersburg:)

i am off to unpack and try to decompress my mind after driving in the dark and listening to too-loud music. church tomorrow and then hopefully something fun....grocery shopping perhaps??

Friday, May 10, 2002

by the way, for anyone interested, i have a very infant-staged website, braincommercials.com. if you're in the mood, check it out, although i must warn you that it's MAJORLY under construction. i did just update it a little. put a link to this blog on there. man, i wish i knew html. i wish i knew really ANYTHING about web publishing. i need some tutoring from some of my smartypants friends....any volunteers?:)
no, you're not seeing things. i changed the blog template. i wanted it to be more obvious who was posting from the beginning of the message. and plus, this one has red in it. do you despise the new look of my blog? do you love the look of my new blog? do you just love me personally and cannot wait to tell me? then, by all means, e-mail me here!!!

:)
for those of you who are seriously confused at this point, michael will be posting to this blog as well (see entry below). being close to the blog owner has its privileges;)

seriously, though, i was going to write in here yesterday but frankly, i had nothing profound to say. not that i normally do, but still....okay, seriously, i kind of forgot about it:P oh well.

every SINGLE morning, the phone rings between 8:30 and 9:00. it's the SAME telemarketers calling for sammie joy, although they grossly mis-pronounce her name and refuse to accept the fact that she is never home during business hours. i mean, some people DO have jobs! anyway, i was thinking i would be all smart and turn my ringer off so that they couldn't wake me up for the umpteenth day in a row. problem is i forgot that the printer/copier/FAX machine also rings. MANOHMAN!!! all i wanted was to sleep in past 8:45. that's ALL i wanted!! the next time this happens, they're getting my traditional telemarketer speech. it goes as follows:

'yes, she told me you'd be calling, and she asked me to let you know that she's not interested in your product and to please remove her from your calling list. goodbye.'

one thing i discovered - it's the 'she told me you'd be calling' part that REALLY throws them off...either that, or i'll go for this approach:

telemarketer: hello, may i please speak to {some botched up version of her name}?
me: no, you may not
{silence}
me: goodbye

they rarely call back after that one either. although if they're really persistent, i'll add the phrase, 'and you never will' after the 'no you may not' part. enough of all that.

my final piece of information that i wish to impart is this: for those of you that are even remotely interested, the movie quote ("that's a COHHHHHSSSSBY SWEATTTTTUHHHHH!") is from the movie 'high fidelity' with john cusack. sammie joy and i give it 2 solid thumbs up. it's classic cusack, hands down.

it's friday, people.....spend the day like you KNOW the weekend's coming.....

Wednesday, May 08, 2002

it's 8:45 and i'm AWAKE and feeling pretty well, actually, so for all you people who are even remotely interested in my daily schedule, this means that i will be making it to my bible study at 9:30. yay!

in order to prepare for this morning, i did a small study of 2 John last night. it's only 13 verses, but its message is pretty clear. read it if you're interested:)

well, i'm hoping for a few minutes to eat a bit of breakfast before i leave, so i'd better jet. will write more later.

oh, and by the way, i'm holding off on the revelation of the source of the "that's a COHHHHHSSSSBY SWEATTTTTUHHHHH!" quote until tomorrow in order to give you one more day to ponder this. once again, if you're feeling like taking a risk, e-mail me with your guess.

:)
well, today was an unusual day in that i didn't post anything in the blog. i'm not sure why, really. i wasn't feeling the 'computer vibe' today, i guess. tomorrow should be a rather busy day. i have bible study in the morning (which, Lord willing, i shall be getting up in plenty of time to attend!) at 9:30 and then lunch with sammie joy and her co-worker aileen at 'that's amore!'. in the late afternoon, i'm supposed to see my friend kim (aka daphne, but that's an entirely different story) and then attend a small group with michael in the evening.

i've been in a serious funk all day. last night, it was all about insomnia, and i suffered greatly for it today. i refused to allow myself to sleep in this morning, because i wanted to be good and tired to go to bed tonight. well guess what? i'm not in ANY way sleepy. {sigh} God, please help me to rest.....

on a positive note, i got most of my laundry done tonight and in a rare move of proactivity on my part (this has been quite difficult for me of late), i actually folded everything and PUT IT AWAY {cheers erupt from the crowd}......thank you thank you {bows}:) i feel quite satisfied with myself. frankly, you're probably thinking i'm a freak for congratulating myself for doing laundry. believe me. if you were inside my brain right now, you'd think that was pretty excellent, too....

so that's my story for today, and, as ever, i'm sticking to it.....good night world. i'm off to drink some H2O and make an attempt at restfulness. will report back tomorrow (or later today, i should say) on how successful my mission really was.

<><

Monday, May 06, 2002

i just had dinner and i'm feeling some post-prandial sleepiness. this rarely happens after dinner, but tonight, it's all over me...yucko. must re-gain energy....

on a different note, i was out tooling around in my car earlier, and i feel like i came to some conclusions about some things. problem is - i'm not sure what those were. one thing i DO know is this: i need to work on my webpage, because nothing's ever going to get done if i don't do it. that was kind of a no brainer there, but i think it was more for my benefit than yours:)

decision of the day: everyone needs a blog.

by the way, i've only gotten one e-mail back about my movie quote. it was from my sister, and although she had no idea, at least she sent me e-mail about it:) we love people who send us e-mail!!! (this is the royal 'we' talking, of course.) seriously, though, i'm wondering if anyone (other than sammie joy) will know the reference...hmm....i'm intrigued to find out:)

one more thing: what is it with me using the word 'rocks' to refer to things that are quite cool? example: that yogurt ROCKS....am i stuck in another decade or something? clearly, it's a new 'ism' of mine. this is a problem. a severe problem.
okay, how ridiculous is this? the list i made last week - the one of those 17 things i need to get done? i've only done ONE of the things on it. gee whiz....

anyway, today i'm going to accomplish at least 1 more, if it's the last thing i do....and i want to take a walk later. the weather's been SO nice lately, other than the fact that the pollen occasionally disturbs my sinus condition. but hey, it's the mid-atlantic. allergies abound down here, from what i've been told.

i was informed today by sammie joy that our friend cat has made it her life's goal to get onto my blog. catherine, if you're reading this, YOU ROCK, my friend:) have i made your day?? i hope so:)

watching 'the pelican brief' last night definitely affected my dreams (clearly, i'm on a kick with this whole dream thing). it was all about some stuff bursting into flames....the TV, i think. that's symbolic. i AM thankful that, although i'm home a good bit of the time these days, i'm NOT filling my brain with much in the way of television programming. maybe that's why i've been spending so much time working on my website, etc. hmm....must think about this. must evaluate whether this is good....

quote of the day: "that's a COHHHHHSSSSBY SWEATTTTTUHHHHH!" if you're a total smartypants and know from which movie this was taken, e-mail me here.
i just had a dream that i met the indigo girls. it was strange. they were all giggly because apparently no one ever tells them how much their music has meant to them. i kept trying to give them an adoremus CD for some reason, but i was bringing back CDs of sara groves and then of this a cappella group from hopkins, the octopodes. so eventually i gave them the CD and they seemed a little unnerved by the fact that it was a Christian group, but were mostly unfazed. while i was talking to them, a bunch of adoremus people and other random Christians from hopkins were sitting a few feet away, and i remembered feeling like i needed to pick one group or the other. i had told emily (of the IGs) how much i have been influenced by their harmonies and the lyrics to their songs which, although rarely about God per se, have definitely affected my faith and how i think about the Lord. she seemed genuinely touched by that and told amy (the other IG) that she needed a hug from me, to which amy replied by giggling. after a few minutes, i left the IGs and began to converse with my friends derrick and angela about their relationship.....the one thing i will say is this: there were a lot of small details in the dream that stood out (this is pretty typical for me) and i recall thinking how odd it was that the indigo girls seemed like they actually really wanted to be talking to me, a total stranger. either way, strange stuff.

so anyway, church was really good yesterday. i really sensed the Lord's presence all throughout the service....and the sermon definitely spoke to some issues that both michael and i have been pondering. God, i'm so grateful that you led us to this place....

monday morning again, people. i need an attack of some serious motivation. perhaps the fact that it's early enough in the day will kick my proverbial butt into some productivity. hmm....will report back at a later time whether i was able to accomplish anything.

till then, enjoy the sunshine:)

Sunday, May 05, 2002

okay, tonight i conducted a culinary experiment. we had pecan-encrusted chicken that had been marinated in a jack daniels, molasses, mustard glaze. it turned out okay, but i have to figure out a way to get the pecans to stick to the chicken before i bake them. anyway, how important is that really? not so much....

been thinking about the whole concept of KNOWING one's self. i realized that there is so much about myself that i don't even really give much thought to on a regular basis....and the things that i tend to focus on are not really the things that matter the most. i need to spend more time alone and figure out what i really think about some things. it's strange. i've deceived myself into believing that i'm really aware of my own needs, desires, etc. and yet i know this isn't the case. i was telling michael tonight that i'd really love to be able to have a healthy awareness of myself in such a way that it allows me to live my life to the fullest in the manor in which God would have me live it. to know Christ is the truest freedom, and i am not even able to fully grasp it until i come to terms with where i fit into that whole picture. of course scripture tells me who i am in Christ, but there is more to me than that....in the sense that God creates each of us to be a unique individual, and the things that make me ME are the things i need to know.

but i digress....

another thing: why is it that every time i go to the grocery store i can never spend less than 75 or 80 bucks? this happens at target as well. it's like there's some huge magnet sucking the money out of my wallet (or salimah's, as the case was today:)). but at least we have some food in the house....for now anyway:)

i need to get up early in the a.m.. must sleep. will try to have something more meaningful to say tomorrow.

Saturday, May 04, 2002

so i drove to baltimore last night KIND of on a whim. sammie joy and i went together. wound up running into gordon, local baltimore artist and friend of salimah's. got some fun beverages from xando (an old stomping ground) and drove back home. it was ALL about the random mini-road excursion. i didn't get into my actual bed last night until 5. apparently between 1 and 5, i was leaning against the arm of the couch completely comatose (ooh, alliteration!). salimah woke up and spoke to me on at least one occasion. i have NO recollection of this whatsoever.

anyway, listened to 'swamp ophelia' by the indigo girls last night. man, those chicks can seriously write. their music (with the exception of the more political album 'shaming the sun' (i think that's what it's called)) just speaks to me. and even though they're not writing about God, i feel like i can glean meaning from the songs....they speak to where i am in my relationships with God, with others, and the way i think about the world at times. either way, listening to them also brings back some serious memories.....college, high school, old friends long gone by now.....kinda sad. kinda good, though, too, because my life is, in some ways, so much more rewarding now than it was back then. for one thing, i know God on a much deeper level; also, the relationships i currently have are the deepest i've known so far. within the last year or two, i've started to get real with myself and, consequently, those around me. it feels good to live without regret, without compromise. talk about authenticity. isn't that what this is all supposed to be about?

i mean, this is not to say that i've perfected these things. in no way. but if each day, i can work harder to live with integrity, as God would have me live, then i can honestly say that i'm making progress....either way, my life has meaning. i've crossed over, people. and i can never go back.

<><

Friday, May 03, 2002

i feel very blah right now. so very, very blah. i haven't eaten all day, which really is not contributing to my emotional state. i guess i should fix that situation, since it's within my control, but i haven't been able to make myself ingest anything nourishing. not really sure what all that's about.

anyway, it seems that i'm having trouble getting some new fonts to load into my microsoft programs. in other words, i copied them all into my windows/fonts folder, and they're not being recognized by word, etc. how frustrating! i've tried re-booting, and i even asked the Office Assistant paperclip thingy. that was of NO help whatsoever. the instructions i was given for 'how to install fonts' referred to menu items that simply do not exist. ah well. some things are never easy....that's the way of the world, i guess.

boy does my brain ever hurt:(

Thursday, May 02, 2002

12:34 in the morning....whew! time for bed soon....

tonight, michael and i went to the cheesecake factory for din-din and then to see 'murder by numbers' with sandra bullock. a decent flick overall, but more importantly, i realized that movies REALLY affect me sometimes. this is not news to me, per se, but i felt that it re-solidified the information in my brain. basically, ever since i left the theatre, i feel like i have to look over my shoulder for evidence of people killing one another. obviously, i need to better monitor what i watch:)

anyway, another relatively unproductive day here at the old homestead. once again, i wish i could get SOMETHING accomplished that i set my mind to do....i didn't even make it to bible study this a.m., because i just COULD NOT get myself up and out of bed. i wound up sleeping until 11:00 almost. geez. you'd think i was sleep deprived or something:)

bit of advice: if you're going to the cheesecake factory, do yourself a favor and order the bang bang chicken and shrimp (as michael was so smart to do!). holy cow. SO good. i had some honey maple pork tenderloin, which was fine, but nothing compared to the party-in-my-mouth flavors of the bang bang delicacy. cheesecake factory rocks!

oh, and another thing i must say....i am SO sick of 'the iron chef'. i mean, the novelty SO wore off a long time ago, and it annoys me that it's an hour long! i feel that it too often interferes with the more decent and ACTUAL cooking shows on the food network. i just had to throw that in there, although i'm sure most people already pin me as strange for thinking the food network is kool.

eh, what do they know?:)

sleep beckons.....see you in dreamland;)

Wednesday, May 01, 2002

okay, so i went to this bible study/small group thing at the new church i'm going to. man, i gotta say - it ROCKED to be around people who are genuine and yet totally believers. i'm sorry to say that a lot of my experiences in the last several years have not really been that effortless or comfortable. but thank God that i've been brought to this place where i can get to know some people. the question is, though, for how long will i be here? only the Lord knows at this point, and i'm not really going to press this issue too much for now. the word for the time being: WAIT.

other than that, i've got a brain pain. how appropriate, given the title of my blog, eh? is this just another case of life imitating art?? all i can say is that advil is a most excellent help in times of brain pain. advil and i are buds. very much so.

very tired right now. i have women's bible study at 9:30 in the a.m., so i should hit the proverbial hay.

'nite:)