Tuesday, April 30, 2002

tuesday morning. yee haw. made it through the mondays. so what's on the docket for today, you may ask? hmm.....well, here's a list of the things i NEED to do at some point soon, in no particular order:
1. clean my bathroom. i've gotten part of the way there already, but still have the shower and floor left.
2. organize my papers. this is the neverending story.
3. start packing up un-needed stuff. i might as well; what else is there to do?
4. go through my cooking magazines and tear out articles i want to keep so that i can throw the bulk of them out.
5. put all my bank acct info into quicken, which i have neglected to do for several months.
6. vacuum and dust my room.
7. shave my legs (eek!)
8. make a mix CD for several people. i've been planning this one since last year!!!!
9. take my old comforter to the laundromat and clean it.
10. take some other stuff to the cleaners.
11. return some clothes i ordered that i don't want.
12. cancel ALL my cd and book clubs (i think there are 3 or 4 total).
13. clean the kitchen counters.
14. clean out the linen closet, aka the place we put all the stuff we don't know what to do with.
15. write letters to a few friends i've been meaning to contact for awhile.
16. load a whole bunch of fonts onto my laptop.

hmm....i think i'll stop for now. that has the potential to be pretty overwhelming. must exhibit self-control, even in list making!

so how am i feeling today? i've been asking myself this question since i got up over an hour ago. basically, i'm not even totally sure. i think restless is a good word to use. yeah.....restless. bottom line: if i were more productive in my emotional/personal life, would i always feel the NEED to be making lists? i think not.

last week i was thinking that i miss the way my relationship with God used to be - back in the good ol' days of johnny hopkins and adoremus. but then i realized something....there's NO WAY i'd want to go back to the understanding of God that i had back then, because, good or bad, my experiences have shaped me and my understanding of the Lord in ways that i would never want to NOT have. i realized then that it's ridiculous to want to go back to the former things or ways (besides, scripture says not to dwell on them) but to long for the new thing - more of God....more of His Spirit....a deeper fellowship with Him through His word. and at this point in my life, i feel like i'm coming to that without the pretense that unfortunately also tends to accompany the 'culture' of contemporary Christianity. God, please don't let me fall into the trap of following you only because i know it's what i SHOULD be doing, even when my heart is not in it. i would rather die than go there again.

all of this reminds me of sara groves's song, 'painting pictures of egypt'. if you don't know her, you need to. her songs have spoken to me in some of the darkest hours of my life. check out her website here


Painting Pictures of Egypt (words and music by sara groves)

(Verse 1)
I don’t want to leave here
I don’t want to stay
It feels like pinching to me either way
The places I long for the most
Are the places where I’ve been
They are calling after me like a long lost friend

(Verse 2)
It’s not about losing faith
It’s not about trust
It’s all about comfortable
When you move so much
The place I was wasn’t perfect
But I had found a way to live
It wasn’t milk or honey
But then neither is this

(Chorus)
I’ve been painting pictures of Egypt
Leaving out what it lacked
The future seems so hard
And I want to go back
But the places that used to fit me
Cannot hold the things I've learned
And those roads closed off to me
While my back was turned

(Verse 3)
The past is so tangible
I know it by heart
Familiar things are never easy to discard
I was dying for some freedom
But now I hesitate to go
Caught between the promise
And the things I know

(end bridge)
If it comes too quick
I may not recognize it
Is that the reason behind all this time and sand?
If it comes too quick
I may not appreciate it
Is that the reason behind all this time and sand?

i can so relate to the idea of looking back and feeling like things weren't that hard, but looking ahead full of fear and wanting so much to not have things change....to not BE changed. how quick i am to remain in my complacency. but isn't it amazing that God is changing me whether or not i am aware of it? and He often changes me the most when i don't think i'm really that much in need of it:). i'm all about the sense of humor of the ruler of the universe. He rocks:)

here's my prayer for today: Lord, let me not wander too far from your ways. please help me to seek after you and to approach you confidently because of Christ. and please help me, God, to lay my life down at your feet so that you might have your FULL way through me this day. and where i fall short of this prayer, may Your grace be there to sustain me.

AMEN

No comments: